=)=

Saturday, October 14, 2006 @ 22:39

Of things of the past,
Only guilt can come back and haunt you.

Like what's stated above, only guilt from the past can come back and haunt you. No matter what you do, telling yourself to forget the past or trying hard to forget it, it'll always come back. It'll slip through your defences like water and hit you once again... Me? I just been taken a ride down my past yet again...

While many of you might have happy memories about the past or present, I have no happy memories, I have only memories about the things i done wrong and tell myself never to do such thing ever again. Sigh, if only that was true...

Flashback: I still remember the time when i was 5 or 6 years old. I was already kinda independent, but than i still stayed at my grandmother's house during the day. Than 1 day, when we were leaving, I asked her for something. I can't believe I did that lah... It's like damn stupid of me, i seriously to this day can't believe i did that... Suxs like hell lah... It's burned into my mind... I still got a lot of other things going on in my mind, bad things but than...

See, bad things will keep coming whether you like it or not... People ask why I'm so negative, so pessimistic. Wouldn't you be if all these flashbacks keep coming back to you? Sigh... Nobody will ever understand me one lah... No matter how hard i try to explain myself, how hard i try to show everyone, they will never ever understand me... That's why, I save my breathe, I don't try to explain myself...

Sigh... Even now, there are so many things going through my mind, plus all the songs that i heard before going through my mind... Now there's so many songs going through my head... And all of them also have a deep meaning for me... I'll try to share ok...

Flashback: The year, 2001. Primary 6. What do we do? Take PSLE... I did very badly for my PSLE, only 195 aggregate. I know that in 06S02, everyone is 200+ and higher and i know i'm the lowest. You don't know how much i hated myself for not studying harder and making it to a better school than Pioneer Sec. I know many of the people i know there all choose to go there, that that's their first choice but it's my last choice... So i sweared, that i would mug like shit and make up for what i did wrong in my life than. I did mug like shit and got into the triple science stream. I did mug like hell for O levels, and i did come to JJ. After promos, i didn't do that well as i'm suppose to do. You don't know how much i hated myself for not doing well. I broke a promise= I broke my word= I broke the only thing that I have to my name. You don't know how sucky that will make you feel...

If people ask me if I would choose a different secondary school to go to if i had a higher aggregiate, the answer i would give than would be yes, but after going through 4 years in Pioneer, i would say No. If i went to another secondary school, i would most likely do well and than went to another JC. With that, i wouldn't have met the people that i know now. The times that we shared together are such a powerful memory that will keep reminding me that even such a school like Pioneer Sec which i really think is a gangster school have decent people and great teachers who actually care about you.

I'll remember the times we shared together until my last december. ( tonight )

Talking about friends, there are really a few people who i really got to thank from the bottom of my heart... These people are the ones who were there for me even in the lowest time of my life. I really have to say thank you to all of you people. Mostly the people are from 06S02, especially Valerie Walerie, Jia Ying ( my optical Isomer ), Esther, Shiela, Aishah, Farhana, Ridzuan, Dexter, Rauf, Zhi Xue etc. Thanks for everything. I really want to thank Valerie from the bottom of my bottomless heart... Lol

I just wanna thank you

Valerie also known as Walerie, bought some Calerie, with her Salerie, and put on some Kaleries, and she went to a Galerie. It's actually quite fun to change the first letter of people's name and than see what word that they come up with. Now anyway, she was a constant source of inspiration during the promos period, encouraging me and waking me up in the morning and she kept doing it for 3 days. Without you, I doubt I will do this bad in promos, I'll do worst so thank you.

Without you, how do I survive?
You were my strength when I was weak

Flashback: When you are in Primary one, you think that you can do things and get away with it. That was what happen to me in Primary one. I still remember everything that happen very clearly. You know in Primary school, you got to share the long table with your partner. So it happens that we had a spelling test on that day. Of course lah, being in Primary one you wanna do as well as you can. So the only stupid word that i couldn't spell out of the 30 odd words was Helicopter. ( See i still remember it) My partner also couldn't spell it. So we collaborated to write the spelling on the table and place our bags on it and angle it so that we can both see it and the teacher won't see it from her angle. So when i got back the paper, i got 100%. But instead of being happy, i was quite disturbed. I keep feeling that I shouldn't receive that 100% because i cheated for that test. See, when you cheat and you do things yourself, the difference is really there. ONLY those without a conscience can cheat without feeling anything. So ya, that's why i oppose cheating 100%

Flashback: There was once in Primary School, I was blamed for something that I didn't do. Apparently, the idiot fell into the pond at the garden and oh-so-conviently pushed the blame to me becuase he wanted to save himself from embaressment. So i was hauled off to the principal's office and asked why the hell i did it when i didn't in all hell do it. So i'm like, why the hell am I being blamed for something that i never do? As of than, i swore that anyone who blamed me for something that i didn't do would receive hell from me. Secondary School, Secondary 2. A relief teacher sent me out because I just asked a relavant question and when she invited me back in, she continued scolding me in front of the whole class and the whole class was like watching the show happily. I scolded her FUCK OFF and i think she heard me and so i got sent out with the DM. Luckly, the DM was nice and he just talked to me and told me to control my anger more. Of course lah, he also said to go back and apologize to that bitch but i didn't lah. He talked to me for like 5 mins and i spent the other 25 mins cooling down and composing myself before going back to class. I still remember. It was a Lit period and it got converted to a maths olympiad thingy. Remember Aishah? So i was like 30 mins behind everyone else in the class and i still managed to finish it AND i got one of the highest in the class coz i was asked to take another Maths Olympiad with the smartest people in class. Bottom line is, DO NOT EVER ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING THAT I DIDN'T DO. IF I DID DO SOMETHING WRONG, I HAVE THE BALLS TO OWE UP AND NOT PUSH THE BLAME TO ANYONE ELSE BUT IF I DIDN'T DO IT, I'LL FIGHT FOR MY RIGHT, EITHER PEACEFULLY OR VIOLENTLY.

Blame people only if you have the proof

One thing i think all of you should know about me is that i trust no one, and i mean No One except myself. Circumstances have driven me to this state. So if you guys want to betray me or anything, don't worry, the one who will be shock will be you. No one has won my trust yet. Up to now, wherever i turn, people are lying to me in my face and than thinking that i won't find out. Please, my eyes and ears are sharper than normal. Whatever you all say, whether it's a whisper or not, i will still hear it. For that reason, i heard so many things that i don't want to hear about me and yet, they still keep saying it.

Talking about circumstances, Circumstances has thrown me into misery and confusion when i was young. Circumstances has made me independent at a very very young age of 8 years old. At 8 years old, i was already cooking my own lunch and ironing my own clothes and helping out around the house and going to school on my own. Circumstances was cruel... It made me what i am today. Thrown into the real world at such a young age has made me see the world for what it is, not some children's idea of a fairy tale. Let me tell you that is a lie to children. Real life is the exact opposite. That's why i really cannot sympathize with those people who are already so old but don't want to do anything by themselves. In my world, you want anything done, you do it yourself. Do it yourself if you want anything done.

I think to this stage, I've really live my life to the fullest. I have done so many things already, extreme or not. I have lived life to the fullest. I have kayak, canoe, absail, rock climbing, swim in the open ocean for 500 meters, taken part in a biathalon, gone overseas on my own 2 times, one for a scout camp in Thailand and another for a Japan exchange programme, night cycled around the island etc. The only thing that i've never ever done is parachuting and para sailing and anything else that is expensive and those that require a love life. Those of you who still live in your comfort zone, wake up and get out of it, if not, you'll never suceed in real life. In short, those who refuse to try anything new becuase it's out of their comfort zone, i have only one word for you; It starts with a L and ends with a R and it goes like this; LOSER.

Flashback: After Pioneer's grad night, i walked a friend home and on the way we talked. Than she said this word for word: Ehh, you know you arr... Very different from when you're in class leh... Than i asked her how different and she said that compared to when i'm in class, i'm not as quiet and nerdy as i was during grad night. Than i told her this, in school, there are rules to follow, there are conducts to follow. To not get into trouble, you have no choice but to follow the rules. Outside of school, there are no rules. So you can do whatever you want. That;'s why i'm so different outside of school and inside of school. rules to follow= follow it. People who break rules just for fun are idiots who are just attention seekers.

I refuse to give up, I refuse to give in. ( Blue: One love)

All my life, i have never ever given up on anything before not unless i know deep down inside me it's a lost cause. I have never ever given up hope and faith before. Nobody can make me give up hope and faith. That's why i still believe that one day, i'll win it. Win what? Go figure. I know this contradicts how i've been acting the past week. But deep in my heart, i'll never give up.

Sigh... Another thing to know when you're old is when you no longer do the things you usually die to do when you're young. A few days back, during Mid Autumn Festival, i was like, ya, big deal... When in the past, i would be the first one down there playing with fire already. Another thing that proves that you're old is when you watch children shows, and you think to yourself, how the heck can anyone believe this nonsense when you were young the time, you were completly mesmerized by what was shown on TV... Sigh... I'm old already...

I never wanna say good bye, I never wanna see you sad, I swore to share your joy and your pain, And i'll swear it all over again. ( Westlife: Swear it again)

I never wanna say good bye to anyone, but that's just a naive little dream... but most of the time, it's not me who says good bye, it's my friends. I never ever attach myself to my friends that much. Cause i don't wanna cry when we go our different ways. Those who form " bonds " with me are just Van Der Waal forces, easy to break when external forces come in. I don't really care, friends like this can just go to hell and burn in the everlasting flames for all i care. To all my existing friends, don't push it. Some of you are really that damn close to getting sent to hell by me. Do not take me for something where you can just push all the blame to. I warn all of you to watch it. Cross the line and you're dead. I almost lost it a month back, i almost went balistic. I kept thinking of this phrase; If push comes to shove, you'll be thrown. Watch it.

Getting this from Amanda's blog, she said this; she likes to see the good side of people. well, i'm the exact opposite. I like to see the bad side of people. No matter how good anyone is, they always have a bad side. Only a naive person will think that everything in the world is good. I see the dark in everybody's life. Maybe i am pessmistic.

To those of you who have brothers and sisters and your parents who you can talk to, appreciate them. At least you have someone to talk to. I have no one. No one at all. That's why all my troubles are kept inside me one after another. My older brother only sits in front of his computer all day long, my younger brothers only know how to think that whatever they say is right and my parents only ask about results. I can't even talk to my friends about it. They wouldn't understand. I've tried, so don't ask me to try. Those of you who are not the middle child, you are damn lucky. If your older brother did well for his studies, you are expected to match him at least. If he did badly, you are expected to do better than him. It's a lose lose situation.

If we hold on, together. Than our dreams will never die (Diana Ross: If we hold on together)
There can be miracles, when you believe ( Prince of Eygpt: When you believe)

To Aishah and the rest who think that they are going to get retained, let's just hold on together until we get back our promos results. Nothing is certain now. Nothing cannot be achieved if we believe that we'll make it, some how or other, we will make it through. If not, than we get retained together. Nothing is for certain in this world, that i know. Let's just hope for the best. Aishah, i play piano for you when no one in LT3 ok. so cheer up. K? if not i don't play. lol. Tuesday k, during our one hour break when they have history.

To everyone: I'm sorry for being depressed with myself for the whole past week. Apparently, how i act when i'm normal and when i'm depressed is totally different cause there's a lot of people asking me to cheer up. Thank you all... Especially the horny girl. I'm thorugh being depress already. I did my best, i have no regrets. And i can pass bio ok, even Mdm Sim said so. It's just that i use layman terms to describe the process. If not i would have passed. She told me that personally. From now on, i shall speak biologically. Lol.

I have been born with a special ability. I can remember every show i watched before, every book i read before, every route that i take before and i have ( IT's proven) An excellent sense of direction. I can remember the plot of every story that i've read before, every song that i heard before. But with this ability comes a serious flaw... I can't study and remember anything studious for nuts. Like i said, i live life to the fullest, studying is not how i live life to the fullest.

To sum up everything, I am the one who sees life as a joke, who sees the bad in everyone, who trusts nobody etc lah. summarize yourself. AND I'm the guy who forgives, but never forgets. Don't ever forget that point.

This is my life story. Anyone who trys to say unintelligent negative things about it, i'll personally hunt you down and break your balls open with my bare hands. This i swear on my name. Don't believe me, try it. Just make sure you have insurance for your balls. This is not a threat, this is a fact.

Whew, it;s over. 2 days long hor... The most meaningful song i've ever heard recently.

Diana Ross
If We Hold On Together
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountainT
here is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I