=)=

Thursday, April 05, 2007 @ 23:47

Have you ever thought that life was unfair??

I know this might sound/look cliche to everyone who reads this but for sure, at some point in time, you'll just find that life is unfair. I guess my time is now. I don't care if anyone reads this and finds that I've written something wrong. I'm past caring about what people think about me already. Life is unfair. You don't get to do the things you want, the things you want to have. Those are just... I don't know what's the correct word for this. Obsession? Dreams? Wants? But life is playing a trick on all of us. Life always gives us the opposite of what we want. So what is life? Ironic? Sarcastic? A big joker? A sadist who just likes seeing people sad?
Someone said that life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, it's the number of times that our breathe gets taken away.
But how many times can our breathe get taken away if all we do in our life is study, study, study for now and than work, work, work until we all die. Is that really all there is to life? Is there really nothing else to do?

I not going to be naive and think that I won't die till I reach a ripe old age. I might die any second now. I don't know, someone might just bang me down while I'm crossing the road or I might get an incurable disease or best of all, I'll get a heart attack in my sleep and not wake up again. But it's ok. Cause all of us have to die someday. But when I die, what will my last thought be? Will it be one of utmost regret that I wasted my time studying/working all my life and not used to living life to the max? Will it be one of regret? What will happen than? I can't go back in time. Will I die with regret always on my mind? When I regret that I never done anything that will make me proud? Come on man. There's got to be more to life than just studying and working.

Talking about work. It's really unfair you know. I asked around about what people do on Saturday and Sunday. Most of them said that they just do finish tutorials and that's it. While I on the other hand, do tutorials and revision. And they still pass. It's just unfair. It's like, I do the maximum while I get the minimum results while they can just do minimum and get maximum results. Why? It doesn't help that I'm always surrounded by smart people no matter where I go. It doesn't help more that they always get their tutorials done like 3 tutorials ahead of everyone else. It doesn't help that they can get things faster than I can. It doesn't help at all. It doesn't help at all that your parents only see the results and not the effort. It doesn't help that there are people failing their subjects too but they don't care. IT DOESN'T F**KING HELP ONE BIT.

Life is fragile. I went to NUH to visit my friend's mother. The experience was. Depressing/Heartbreaking. I mean. I was still OK when I saw her. Than when my friends were talking about M18 movie, I went for a walk. I don't know what possessed me. I walked one floor down. From the 5th to the 4th floor. Big mistake on my part. Guess what was on the 4th floor. The children's ward. Needless to say, what I saw really... There's no word for it. You see already, than you'll know what I feel. After that, I went to the playground there and sat on the swing and just thought. Thought about life. Than I really couldn't stand it anymore. I just started tearing. Than I looked up. And I saw the full moon. The universe is so big. But how much do we really know? I wanted to call someone and talk. But someone was in a worse position I guess? So I kept everything to myself and tried to make her cheer up. But I'm sure that people who talked to me on Tuesday/Wednesday could hear how much my attitude has changed. Than I went back and joined them. That was another big mistake on my part. Cause her bed was kinda far in. Than as I walked past all the other beds, I just couldn't help looking. Some of the patients. They look as if their families haven't visited them for a long time. And they can't do anything on their own. Than from that point on, I just stood apart from my friends and reflected. The more I reflected, the more troubled I became. I was thinking that. If I was the one lying there, would I be like the people whose friends and family have abandoned them? I really don't know why I thought that way ok. While these people might be fighting for their lives, we all worry about what we're going to do next. The difference is really too staggering.

What made it worse is. We went for supper/dinner. Than my friend was like: I'm not eating cause I want to save money. Are these the same friends that I would just drop everything and hang out with them? Who I could just forget all my troubles and have fun? What use is money to us dead? Money makes the world go round yes, but eating is something that we all have to do. Isn't that more important than money? Why do we all put money right on top of our priorities list and not basic functions that we need to do in order to survive? Is money really all we humans think about?

What's wrong with this world? Why is it that everytime, everyone is rushing from one place to another? Why can't we all just stop and take a look around, to see what we're missing when we rush off. What's the point of rushing for a bus/train? Won't another one come in a few minutes? Why can't you all take that few minutes and look around and see what you've missed? Why? Sure there's only 24 hours in a day. But how much of that 24 hours are spent looking around and seeing what you miss? What's wrong with taking things slow and easy? Why must we always be in a maniacal pace? What's the prize? So what if you're first? What's the prize?

Why are we people so easy to point fingers at each other rather than ourselves? Why do we never ever say sorry even if we're in the wrong? What's wrong with saying sorry? Why do you all treat sorry and thank you as a swear word never to be uttered but you all can utter fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck non-stop? What is so wrong with thanking the people at Macdonalds/NTUC after they have served you? Will a simple thank you kill you? What's wrong with saying sorry after you've said something/done something wrong? Maybe that's the reason why there are conflicts everywhere.

If the kangaroo that Karolyn gave me can start talking, it'll tell you everything that I told it for the past 4 days. This is only 1/100 of what I told it. I talk to it for one simple reason. It listens. It also agrees with me (though that's my own doing). But the main point is it listens. What is wrong with listening to people talk? Why do we all strive to talk at the same time. Why do I have to repeat myself 3-4 times before my friends/classmates start listening? Why can't we all shut up and listen to the person who is talking? Why? Silence is golden. Talk is cheap.

What hurts the most? It's when friends who are close to you are down and sad and you can't do anything to cheer them up. That just makes you doubt your ability as a friend. I seriously doubt myself as a friend right now. I wasn't there for someone, I couldn't cheer someone up, I don't even know what happened to my friend... That's what hurts the most.

Sure, there's a lot more I would like to write but... I better keep the other 99/100 points to myself. It already taken me the whole day just to decide whether I wanted to post what I written.

One of these days, we're all going to ask ourselves this question:"What have we done..?"