=)=

Monday, May 07, 2007 @ 19:40

I had another dream on Saturday night. One of my phoenix died and somehow it didn't manage to reborn. From than on, I knew that it was going to be a bad day. It's just like lit, foreshadowing. Guess what? It came true. While all the time stupid me hoped it wouldn't come true. Screw it.

Someone hates me. I just managed to forget all the unhappiness that happened to me ever since I messaged fuck to someone during school hours on a tuesday in March. I remember that day well because it was the day when everything started going wrong for me. I had unbelievable fucky luck for 2 months. 2 months of stupidly ridiculous luck. But I just managed to put all of those behind me and stand up on my feet again and now, you come up to me and knock me down again. Why don't you knock me down with an 18-wheeler so that I'll never stand up again? Or strike me with lightining while I'm walking in the rain? Why must you be so cruel as to make me stand up again and knock me down? Is this just a game to you? If so, I don't want to play anymore or worse, be a pawn anymore. It's just like fighting with quicksand, the more I fight against it and try to go against it, the more I end up sinking into the sand. So why fight.

I just wish I can go AWOL for one whole day. Go AWOL for one day and sort out my thinking. But I can't. With my kind of luck, I'll most probably get caught by Mr Koh and than I'll get into deeper shit. Besides, with my kind of stupidity level of study now, I'll most likely not be able to keep up with the lectures that were taught on that day.

If any of my friends happen to pass by and read this, thank you for all you guys have done. For stretching out your hand to pull me up, for trying to cheer me up, for being sad with me when you guys were happy. For many other things that I can't express in words. I know that you guys have a difficult time understanding me. I too have a hard time understanding myself. I just hope that at the end of all this, you people won't think too badly of me... ( No I'm not going to do anything foolish. It's just that something foolish will come and find me)

I just bared my heart to you, my blog. Cause at the end of the day, everytime I think of baring it to my friends, I always think of 2 kinds of people. 1) Those who are over the moon with joy and I can't bring myself to bring them back to Earth with problems that really don't concern them at all and 2) The people who just "love" me so much. Yup... 3/4 of the class. So you, my blog. must bear these heavy weight on my behalf.

I beg you, plea with you, please don't make me feel sad until after tomorrow's bio SPA. Please. My bio is already going down the drain. I really cannot waste marks on SPA anymore. After 9am, I don't care what the hell you make me feel like, be it the worst of the worst or whatever. Just please, wait until after 9am tomorrow. That's all i ask of you...

When was the last time I was truely happy? When was the time when I truely smiled from the bottom of my heart. Hmm... If there was an Oscar for the person who can best conceal his emotions, I would be one of the runners for it.

I know, that deep inside, all these problems are psychological and it comes from no one other than myself. But still...

To finish everything up... Let me finish off with these few chinese words from my lousy chinese:

wo xue zhe fang qi ni, shi ying wei wo tai ai ni...