=)=

Saturday, July 14, 2007 @ 02:21

It's weird. Sometimes, FINE, most of the times things don't go according to how you plan it to go. It will change alot. If this was a normal distribution question, the standard deviation would be 1E99. Life just doesn't go the way you plan it to go. Life is ironic no? The more you try doing something, the more it just doesn't want to be done. The more you want something to happen, the less it's going to happen.

That said and done, this will most probably be my last post here. I'm not shifting, that will only invite more questions. I'm not deleting it away. I just don't feel like blogging anymore. There's too many things happening right now and seriously, blogging is really not among the highest of my priorities right now. There are just too many guidelines to follow. They always say, there is a line that cannot be crossed when it comes to blogging. But what line is that? --------- I just drew a line. Is that the line that cannot be crossed? Or is it this line? ___ ? --------------------------? How long and how short should the line be? It's totally subjective. But there are certain obvious lines that must not be crossed. I just got blamed for something that I written that has totally no link to the person who blamed me. Hello!!! Stop being narcissistic. I really don't understand how people can make the link that I'm insulting or talking about them when I never even mentioned their names at all. Are you guys really that insecure?

My thoughts are becoming super private. Super duper private. Everything that I'm thinking of, nobody knows. I haven't told anyone anything and I doubt I'll tell anyone. It's just this point in time when everything among you becomes private and you don't wish to tell anyone. It's kind of sucks. The things that you believed in suddenly don't work anymore. I believed and trusted you. But your actions, your words, just shows me how wrong I was to believe in you. But, no more. Thanks for showing me that. I mean the last sentence in full earnest, it's not sarcastic, it's not ironic. It's really really just thanking you.

Besides, I have alot to catch up on. All of you know bonomial and poisson distribution well but I'm still lost for it. I still don't know when to use this formula and that formula. I only doing a little better with normal distribution. There's a lot of chem to catch up on, especially organic chem again. Do I even have to talk about bio? I really just can't spare the time to think about what I want to say, go through it 3 times to see if I insulted anyone, edit it and than go through it again to check if I insulted anyone which somehow all of you always just seem to be able to link it back to yourself. So, till the time I have the time to write down what I want to say and nobody takes offence, I'll rarely blog anymore.

I spend an average of 15 hours in school each day. I spend more time in school than at home. If you really don't want to talk to me, than don't. I drag my ass to school everyday. I attend a full day of school, I have to attend remedials everyday and I seriously mean everyday, most of the breaks are being converted to lessons. When the lessons end, I have to rush out tutorial after tutorial and revision. I come back home physically and mentally tired. The first thing you do when you see me is to yell the shit out of me. WTF lah. You were the ones who were happily signing the damn PTM form and now you're the ones making noise about going for it. What the hell am I going to tell Miss (Mdm) Zhang afterwards?

I don't understand it. It's not as if my grades are slip sliding leh. You want to scold me for my grades that drop I don't mind. But the fact is now that my grades are improving. You still scold me for it. Do you have your concepts wrong? I know I ain't no Wei Liang, Valerie or Karolyn. Heck, I ain't even a Rauf, Ridzuan or whoever. I'm me. I'm Yong Jun. No one less, no one more. Why can't you see that? Why do you keep comparing me to other people. Sure their grades are good or they are hardworking. BUT can't you see my grades are improving? My term 2 grades were S S U S S, my UAS was a miserable 10 thanks to my chemistry and maths getting a sub pass. Now my grades are E S S E E, UAS 32. I know this is nothing to be proud of. I know this grades can't get me into a university. But can't you see that I kicked all my grades up by one grade or alphabet? Why can't you be happy with the fact that I'm improving wish me the best of luck instead of scolding me and depriving me of everything? Whatever happens to slow and steady wins the race? Can't you see that by doing this, you just make me see no point in studying since you are never happy with my grades?

But things aren't always as bad as they seem. There's a silver lining in each cloud. Sure, friends are showing me that I can't trust on them like they say I can. But there are friends who will just surprise you out of nowhere. I call her da jie, she calls me xiao di. I call her blur, she calls me ungrateful. I call her smart, she calls me smarter. I call her smartest, she calls me smartest smartest. I call her scatter-brained, she calls me evil. I tell her that's for me to know and you to find out and she tells me that I'm a liar liar pants on fire. But the one thing that we both call each other; F-r-i-e-n-d-s. It's really a wierd friendship. I rarely talk to her in person. She rarely talks to me in person. We rarely see each other at all. Even when we do, it's hi and bye before we rush off to our respective lectures. But, she trusts me to no limit and I guess I do to her too. It's just one of the wierd things of life. The more unlikely it seems, the more likely it is. She is in MY AND I REPEAT MY MY MY MY opinion, the person who personifies appearance versus reality.

Well, it's already 0315. I have to wake up at 0900 and apologize to Miss Zhang for wasting her time. OH well, I got 2 questions for all of you to ponder on before I write my next post.

What is your definition of life?

:): or =)= decipher what that means. It's seriously just amazing what it can mean. One word will describe it. It's very easy, just think out of the box, think out of the parameters and angles.

I was too cowardly to do what's right and too cowardly not to do what's wrong even though it's been said that worthy minds should never stagger in distrust to suffer death or shame for what is just. I guess I'm just not worthy.