=)=

Monday, October 08, 2007 @ 23:15

My prelim results are crap. While everyone is improving from their mid-years, I actually did worse than my mid-years ( Even though my mid-years was already crap in the first place) I deproved from ESSED to a SSUSD. My bio crapped like hell, my chem improved such that I only fail by 3-5 marks, my maths was pulled down by my stats, not my pure maths, GP was shit. I'm going to take the mark with a pinch of salt. The teacher who marked my paper jumped the gun. Literature is the only thing that remained constant. It really seems as if the more I write, the worse I'll do.

No life, that's what my life has become. Everyday, Monday to friday; stay back in school until 10pm in the school's library. Saturday, go to school and mug again. Sunday, go JP/JE library to mug. SEE how no life I've become?! I'm sacrificing all my TV shows, especially the channel 8 9pm show! But, my mother says that she'll subscribe to MOBTV after A levels so I can catch up with all my shows that I missed. So it's not really a big deal. Someone study with me... It's damn boring studying alone and having questions that you don't know how to answer.

I wonder who the real failures are. Grade-wise, it's those who failed who are the failures. But, the same "failures" are those who are laughing it up and having a fun time in class while they learn and revise their work whereas the "successes" are those who are depressed up to now and becoming anti-social. Now, I wonder who the failures are...

I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm jealous of people who can do well for their subjects while they still continue to take it easy while the rest of us are mugging our asses off. But then, thinking about it, besides a few people like Tommy and Karolyn (Must be mutated since young :D) all the rest of the people who do well are lacking in personal skills. Sure, their results are all As or way better than mine (Which is not difficult) but they have 0 leadership skills or other aspects of external "education". So there really is no need to be jealous about them at all. Except Karolyn or Tommy that is. But we are humans, we want everything to go well for us. Enough said.

I honestly do not know who I am anymore. I know this is not the me that I want to be. But after being like this for so long, it seems just like that;s who I am. It's an identity crisis. I know that only one person will have the answer to this question, myself. Yes, I know I have to dig deep in order to find out, penetrating all the outer layers and reach the core. But that takes time and as I told my dear friend, time is a luxury that we do not have. So all the feelings will go into Pandora's box. It will have to be opened sometime, but that will be after As or when someone wants to sit down with me and listen.

Weird dreams weird dreams. 2 weird dreams that I remember to this day. One of them should be about missing people so muchh that they appear in my dreams. People from my primary school, secondary school and JC were all in it. I can name them to you, but that wouldn't be appropriate now would it? The other dream was painful. I was talking to this girl who I know with long hair when suddenly her white dog came and bit me on my hand. It was so "painful" that I woke up. The only person who I know has long hair and a white dog is................................... KAROLYN! She told me her dog doesn't bite people. But it did bite me. Ask it! I'm sure it'll tell you it bit me.

I finally understand what role I play now. All the camps I went through, all the things that I've said. I'm not a leader who stands up in front and lead people through cheers and everything. I'm more of the backstage person who ensures that everyone is OK and everything is ready. More of a supportive role. Yes....

I wanna go to the Zoo, Night Safari, K Box, backpacking overseas alone/ with friends, beach, play pool, go to the arcade, catch up with my friends, go escape/ wild wild wet, rollar blading.................. There's so many things to do after As. I'm looking forward to it.

At the end of our time in JJ, will you still remember me? All the things that I've done? Will all of you still remember me after we don't get to see each other everyday or will I just fade into your memories oblivion? I hope that's not the case. I don't wanna be forgotten... I don't wanna lose friends like you.... I guess, this is a question only time can answer... Ironically, this is the thing that I fear the most...