=)=

Monday, May 31, 2010 @ 20:06

When my world is falling apart, when there's no light to break up the dark. That's when I, I, I look at you. When the waves are flooding the shore and I can't find my way home anymore, That's when I, I, I look at you.

It's the 31st of May. It's going to be June soon, in a few hours time. I had really hope that all my friends problems could be solved by June. But it seems like that is just impossible now. The problem is just snowballing, getting bigger and bigger. You know, sometimes I feel like Atlas. For those of you who don't know who he is, he's a Titan who was punished by Zeus to carry the weight of the sky forever on his shoulders. It's Greek mythology. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. I really really need a holiday. Or at least one day where I can leave my phone at home and just go out. I've seen the way some of my friends handle their stress. They go and club their asses off, drink till they're drunk like hell. I can't do that. I won't allow myself to do that. Besides, I don't club, never ever did like clubbing. I don't see the point of paying so much to go in a place just to spoil your ears and and get your toes stepped on by people. And I honestly can't get myself drunk. Everytime, before I'm really drunk, I'll stop. I'll know that that's my limit and then I'll just stop. Get high yes. Get pissed drunk, no. And besides, that doesn't solve anything. It just makes you forget for what? A night before it all comes back again. And besides, it's killing your body.

It's already June by the way. I started this post when I was at Sky an I'm only continuing it now while on the train back to work. Now I'm back up in the air, 131M above sea level. Sometimes, I'm really really thankful that I've got a phone that I can use to send emails and all, cause most of the time, I'm sending emails more from my phone then my desktop.

It's June... My favourite month of the year. Well, it's because my birthday falls in this month and it's usually the school holidays during this time. So ya, makes sense no?? I'm reaching quarter life crisis already. I'm not ready to grow old yet... I don't want to grow old... I mean, I keep getting mistaken as a 17 year old, but still... When you're 21, people has this expectation of how you should act and should be. I'm not ready to meet that kind of expectations yet. I still want to have fun and act like a kid. I'm not ready to make the transition over to adulthood. Just not ready yet. But I guess there comes a time when we all must grow up. I guess my time is in 27 days time.

May has been a very very trying month. I've got trouble from almost everywhere. Work, colleagues, friends, parents, "school", basically from all walks of life. I know I've said that I'll be there for you as and when you need me, but I don't mean that everytime you call me, I will pick up without fail, every message that you send me, I'll reply straight away. Don't be ridiculous, even I need time to sleep. You call me at 4am, I still picked up your call didn't I? Even though I was working the next day. You know that I can rarely use my phone when I'm working, so why still give me this kind of shit?? Would you even do the things that I've done for you if I need help?? You don't have to answer, you know that answer best yourself. Besides, any answers you tell me can be just paying me lip service. Just think about it yourself. One day, we'll see, one day we'll see.

Work has been tiring. I'm trying to cover for everyone even though I don't really have to. But I'm sure that they won't ask me to replace them for fun. And for certain people case, got to force them to give up their shift to me so that they can stay at home and rest. I don't know la, don't know why I'm this way, but I just have this stupid mentality, rather me then you. I rather I be the one whose shagged out rather then you and rather I be the one whose hurt then you. I don't know why, ever since young, I've always been like that. God made me this way, I don't know why, but I'm sure He has a plan for me. By the way, I'm a free thinker. I just believe that there is a God up there somewhere and that everything happens for a reason... It's just that sometimes, I don't know the reason as to why certain things are happening.

My parents are scolding me everytime my birthday comes up in their topic. They keep asking me to celebrate. I'm not interested in celebrating. So what if it's my 21st?? I've stopped celebrating my birthday 4 years ago... It's really has no significance for me anymore. It's that one day where everyone suddenly remembers that you're alive and just send you one text message and by the same time next day, they
totally forget that you're even alive. I haven't receive a present for 5 years. So really, I don't really care so much about birthdays anymore. It's just a day when I'll really treat myself damn good, that's all. These days, I'm just happy enough to receive a card from my friends. So SHAHIDA, when you read this, you can tell the rest that there's really no need to go through all the trouble to surprise me. And confirm they'll use you just like they used me for you. =P So you better not try anything funny.

I've been rejected from NTU, NUS and SMU. SIM results only come out in late may early june. Late May is already gone. Early June is going to run out soon. I'm really really hoping that a letter will come and it'll be good news. It's about time for me to have some good karma already. Like, come on already... I've done so many good things recently I've lost count. Hahaha. Like come on, I'm really due some good karma now don't you think... If I get accepted, all's well and good. But what if I'm not?? What's next?? I really have no idea. I'm really taking life one step at a time. I'll worry about this when I've hit that wall. Hopefully, I'll smash right through, not into it. But then again, all a person really has is hope isn't it??

May has been a fking emotional month. I've had girls crying in front of me left, right center. Ok la, maybe got girl cry behind me, but I cannot see what. Seriously. I've had 6 girls suddenly break down in front of me... 6 in one month... That's like... an average of 1.5 per week? And if I tell you who they are, you fking won't believe me. I didn't believe it myself. If I didn't see it, I tell you, I would just say that you're fking lying. It is that unbelievable that these few girls are the one who cried that I really really wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it myself. Ok, all except for one. But ya, still... Mindblowing ok... And it's very very disturbing when a girl that you thought would be strong and all suddenly break down and cry in front of you... It's really really super depressing. And the worst part is, they don't want to tell you the reason why... What am I suppose to say, how am I suppose to cheer you up if I don't even know the real reason why you cried in
the first place. But for most of them I do know la. Can't talk about it here. It's too personal and private already... And the worst thing is, it's not my secret to share. Sigh, I just hope that all of this will be solved ASAP. Just now this,:" anybody who makes you cry is not worth your tears and those that are worth it won't make you cry at all."

Ok, it's the 3rd of June today. And I'm still blogging from my phone. Can't blog from my com. Got some weird problem with it. And I got no time to try to resolve the problem.